Monday, October 1, 2012


I was going through old journals and came across this gem of a piece from a blog posting I wrote in my sophomore year of high school when I just came out of the closet. It's funny how some things have changed but how a lot has, more or less, stayed the same. We, as a society, are constantly reinventing ourselves and that cannot be more true for me right now. If you told me that I would be working for RentBoy, The Saint at Large, Folsom Street Events, and other similar companies when I was just coming out of the closet I would have, first of all, had no idea what you were talking about and, after learning what they were, laughed in your face and made a snide comment regarding sex workers and the porn industry.

Even backtracking to last summer, when I first moved to New York City, I would not have believed you. The snide comment would have been replaced with open curiosity and intrigue, but the disbelief would still be there. Whenever a friend or acquaintance discovers the work I do outside of my regular life as a professional ballet and contemporary dancer they are often shocked and judgmental of my choice to enter and continue working in the industry. While I understand their concerns regarding my professional career, I am not ashamed of who I am and what I do. We are all multifaceted individuals and this is only one side of me.

There are times when I feel like I'm living two separate lives. Many of my closest friends are aware of my work as a RentBoy and exhibitionist and are completely understanding and supportive of my choices. Others will, and have tried to, put me down and discard me as a "common whore" but that shows more about their personality and ideology than it does about me. I'm very open about sex and sexuality and thoroughly dislike and work against the phobia surrounding sex workers.

That being said, I would like to welcome LGBT History Month and National Coming Out Day (11 October) with open arms. As much work as we do face down, ass up, I think it's equally important to understand, recognize, and honor from where and how far we've come as family of queer individuals. I believe that we should all try to be more loving of ourselves and others and inspire the same in the people with whom we interact on a daily basis. As Pink eloquently puts it, "Don't you ever, ever feel like you are nothing. You're fucking perfect to me."
(excerpt from a journal I wrote in my sophomore year of high school)

Ever since my not so near death experience, I've been going through a lot of personal changes. That is to say, of course, that not everything about me is different - but a lot of things are. I gladly welcome change and progress because it reminds me that I'm still alive and that I'm still here. Although I do allow myself to experience new things it has thrown me off balance. I feel like a lot of changes are happening all at once, and I don't think that I'm equipped to handle it all by myself.

Anxiety starts to creep in and take hold of my very being as I experience these changes. I say that they are good because they are replacing my bad habits and vices but they terrify me because I worry that I will get lost in all this change. Not to say that I'm losing myself completely but I feel that I might lose the parts of me that I want to keep.

Let's go on a bit of a story break here. Last week I went out with my friend, Roya, and we made our way into a clothing store. In the past I've always enjoyed shopping, whether it was for me or for someone else, but this time something was different. I believed that my masculinity was at stake. In the male-dominated society we live in, the masculine and the feminine are constantly butting heads. Shopping is an activity dubbed by many to be a very feminine thing and, in my upheaval of change, I didn't know what to make of it.

I think the reason why I was so useless that day and why I was so uncomfortable in my own skin was because I was suppressing my feelings and judgment. I expressed these sentiments and concerns with a few friends and they all told me the same thing, "Just be yourself." That's a bit hard to do at the moment as I am consciously and subconsciously reevaluating my values, actions, and lifestyle. Whether I act feminine or masculine should be of no concern to me, but the fact that labels are infiltrating the way I run my life is a problem.

I still accept these changes and will try harder not to allow social labels to interfere with my path toward discovering my true self. What I'm trying to get at here is that you should love yourself for who you are and not let society, or anyone else for that matter, dictate the way you live. Refuse to be categorized and put into a box. Love yourself for are who you are.
Happy LGBT History Month, lovers! I now leave y'all with sex god, David Bowie!

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